The Open Dora

Dear Dora,

What advice could you give to a woman who has never had any kind of sex with/performed oral sex on an uncircumcised man before?  Like: what am I supposed to do with his foreskin - do I pull it back during fellatio, or no?  Do you pull the foreskin back when you put the condom on?  Any tips, tricks, advice, warnings welcome.

Unsure with the Uncut

Dear Un,

The answer to your first question also answers the second question. The foreskin pretty much takes care of itself in this area.  The most common experience is that when a man becomes erect, the foreskin sort of pulls back on it's own to reveal the head either partially or fully, depending on the penis.  As far as condoms go, I highly recommend investing in the XL size of condoms.  The foreskin adds, on average, 8 square inches of skin to the penis (compared to a circumcised man).  So girth is a factor and they need more room.  I've noted before that the foreskin is very much it's own sex organ.  It covers the entire shaft of the penis and is attached at the base...in fact, attached isn't the right word - it's just part of their body. 

Tips for manual:  This extra layer of skin on the penis is highly sensitive to light touch - so teasing with soft strokes and kisses is good.  You will find that when you put your hand around it, the foreskin will move with your grasp, this makes manual work quite easy without much need for lube.  You will also notice that while you are doing this, the foreskin will come back up over the head at times so don't be alarmed by that.  I'm sure if the guy has any issues with pain because of stretchy skin, he will warn you. 

Tips for oral:  The techniques that you normally use on a circumcised man will work just as well with a natural man but there are some extra moves to pull out of your hat.  Explore the folds of skin at the underside of the head where the theoretical male clitoris is located.  When you have your mouth around it, move your tongue along the bottom ridge of the head, back and forth, up and down and in a circle in that area.  His favorite move will become apparent.  ;)

No warnings are necessary - just have FUN!

Dear Dora,

I love sex. Not in a sex addict kind of way, but in a it's-so-much-fun-when-I-have-it kind of way. I'm not in a relationship right now so for the time being, it's me and battery operated toys.

My issue is this - during 'real' sex or self-pleasure, I'll have a good time until the moment of orgasm. At that point, it's not uncommon for me to have a wave of guilt or remorse, as if I've just done something I shouldn't be enjoying.

I didn't grow up where guilt was a factor in my personal development, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I don't like to talk about my sex life even around friends, even if I'm far from being a prude in action, so I don't know if anyone else goes through this as well.

Guilty Pleasured

Dear Guilty,

I have a feeling that what you experience in these moments is very common.  Regardless of the household we come from, all women and men get the same message from that blasted entity we call “society” – women are not supposed to enjoy sex as much as men.  Nor are we supposed to want it as often, which is a bunch of shite.  Have you ever had a lover or two in the past that could have let that myth interfere with your sexual experiences?  I’ve known a few women who have had boyfriends who were quite inconvenienced by their need to climax and/or fully enjoy the experience in their own way.  I’m willing to bet this happens to men, too. 

I certainly hope that these feelings aren’t preventing you from actually having the orgasm.  It sounds like that isn’t the case a lot of the time, since you’ve referenced the moment of orgasm.  So perhaps because of the guilt and remorse, your orgasms maybe aren’t as good as they could be and that needs to change.  The answer needs to be found inside of you.  You need to figure out where this guilt is coming from.  It may be right in front of you and you just don’t know it.  If a change in perspective i.e. telling yourself that you have the right to touch yourself, have sex and cum and enjoy every second of it isn’t enough to stop the guilt and shame, then I must suggest that you seek a counselor.  A real psychotherapist could help you get to the bottom of this and I think it would absolutely be worth it to do so.  This is a head-trip, plain and simple, and I think you can move beyond it.  You deserve to enjoy everything about your sexuality, we all do.       

Dora Dora

I feel terrible even mentioning this but here goes. I met a great guy and for several months we've been having a great relationship. Although things aren’t completely serious yet they are getting there. We make each other really happy. There's one problem - his size. I can’t really say that size in the past size has mattered much to me but this time it’s different. Physically it’s impossible for him to hit my g-spot. We do other things during foreplay etc, and its not that I can’t come with intercourse alone.  That’s never been a problem for me in the past. It is a slight problem now. Other aspects of the relationship are great that's why, personally, this is such a difficult situation for me. I don’t always feel satisfied sexually and it’s because of this and that's what bothers me. I don’t know what to do...breaking up is obviously not an option but how can I feel more satisfied, physically and emotionally, with him knowing that he will never "touch" me in a way I long for a lover to touch me.

Untouched

Dear Untouched,

First things first – you need to be trying new positions.  Perhaps you’ve thought of this already.  Ask yourself, in all the other times you’ve been able to cum during intercourse how were you positioned?  Is it possible to put a spin on the positions so that he can get farther up inside of you?  If not, then you need to experiment with moves you haven’t tried before.  I recommend touching yourself during penetration, after all, the g-spot is an extension of the clitoris, it’s all coming from the same place, so to speak.  I also suggest that you incorporate toys into your intercourse.  Ask him to use a dildo on you.  In fact, if you don’t already have one, let him help you pick it out.  Teach him the rhythm it takes to get you to cum.  Presenting this sort of idea to him may be a little awkward so be sure to focus on the idea of branching out and trying new things when discussing it.  After all, a lot guys (the ones who are secure with themselves, especially) love playing with toys in bed regardless of how their own size compares with the toy. 

And this may seem radical but have you considered trying anal??  This would be great for him too considering the tightness factor.  Orgasms that occur during anal sex are extremely intense for most women.  We may not have a prostate but we have TONS of nerve endings back there that shouldn’t be ignored.  A lot of women are in denial about this and a lot of women don’t really know any better because they haven’t done it the right way.  There is definitely a wrong way and a right way to do anal and often people don’t know what the hell they’re doing and end up experiencing pain and even injuries, like hemorrhoids.  But I don’t want to freak you out.  Done the correct way, learning to understand the functions of the muscles and sphincters down there can open you up to a whole new world of orgasms during penetration.  Give it a shot, but please read up on it first to learn the basics about cleanliness, various positions and most importantly the step by step maneuvering to make it the pleasurable experience it’s supposed to be.  You could even practice on yourself first to make sure its right for you. 

I hope this helps.  This is a very tough situation to be in because, in a way, you have a preference that involves size and HOW you orgasm and normally I never encourage people to ignore their sexual preferences.  However there is something to be said about expanding your horizons and finding new preferences with your orgasms, especially when you’ve found someone special.  It sounds like you really like this guy.  So stick it out for now by trying new things and I wish you the best of luck.  Normally I don’t ask this of my readers, but please keep me updated.  I’m curious to see how this turns out for you crazy kids.  ;)         

Dear Dora,

I am a gay male and once upon a time I had a fuck buddy.  It was easy, fun, quick, and worry-free.  That is until I found out he was HIV positive -- From an online dating website months after our last encounter.  No mention of it for nearly 2 years!!  Yes I should have asked like I normally do, but there were circumstances involved that led me to believe all systems were go.  Fortunately, I did not get it from him.  When I confronted this hopeless homo about this detail he so conveniently left out, he informed me we had never had the kind of sex that put me at risk.  Oh, really?  Who is he to decide this for me?  This reeks of denial and lacks considerably in accepting yourself for who you are.  So, since the Dora's always open, I am asking you what is the (or what should be) the unwritten rule about disclosing one's status, be it an STD or even a transgender issue, in a sexual relationship?    What page in your book of secrets should you turn to when swapping sheets with a special or not-so-special someone?

Still Negative

Dear Neg,

This is really heavy.  What this person did was deceitful, unethical and completely dangerous.  He put you at risk.  Period.  I’m glad that people with HIV have ways to make sex as safe as possible, a vision that was only a theory not that many years ago.  Condoms do work.  Yes, oral sex is a lower risk than anal sex – kinda sorta, which is what I assume is what was going on here.  But NONE of these things are fool proof.  Has this guy ever heard of sores in the mouth?  And it should absolutely be up to YOU to make that choice, not him.  He owed you the explanation before you two ever met.  If you met him online, he had NO business being on a casual sex network and not revealing his status.  In addition to what you said about denial and a lack of acceptance I also think the fear of being rejected sexually fuels this kind of deceit.  The point is – it doesn’t matter.  He should have told you immediately especially since this was a casual affair. 

With Trannies, the transition has such a wide spectrum of changes and can take years regardless of whether or not they have surgery.  I just don’t know enough about the coming out process for them to comment on that.

With other STD’s I think that it’s a slightly different ball game than HIV.  With bacterial infections and lice…a reasonable person probably wouldn’t be in a position to share because they would likely have taken care of the problem before their next encounter.  No one needs to know about the Chlamydia you treated two years after the fact.  It’s gone.  However, people with skin viruses like herpes or HVP face a lot of shame and stigma and do tend to utilize dating services geared towards the H community because of that.  But no two cases are the same AND they are ridiculously common.  Despite the low risk some of these people present, they should still be honest about it before a sexual encounter.  Compared to what this guy did, it is important to remember that a vast majority of STD’s will not kill you.  HIV, duh, will eventually kill you.  And while I sympathize with his plight…I do not sympathize with him for knowingly putting others at risk.  It’s like something out of Law & Order SVU for fuck’s sake.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this episode…

Dear Dora,

In the past, I've been quite sexually active and in fact do enjoy sex; however, I tend to enjoy the foreplay more than anything as the final outcome leaves me feeling nothing. It's not that the actual act is un-pleasurable, but unless there is some sort of clitoral stimulation I'm left completely unsatisfied. I know this is often the case with most women as I was told once that there were some 4,000 nerves in the clitoris, but the ultimate problem is that even if sexual intercourse (which is often just okay for me) is followed up by clitoral stimulation, I still cannot orgasm. In fact, I've never had an orgasm.

I've heard many reasons why, but I wondered what your take on it is as I've heard some women just don't orgasm until much later in life or perhaps that it's a mental block - but I'm just not so sure. Will I ever be able to reach that ultimate satisfaction with a partner or even on my own?

Unsure and Unsatisfied

Dear Un,

Your experience is very common.  About one in four women have experienced this type of sexual dysfunction.  You should talk to your GYN about this.  They may feel it’s necessary to rule out any medical reasons.  There are a lot of potential reasons, yes.  Excluding the possibility of medical concerns or hormone levels, I do not think that some women experience this or don’t cum until later in life because of natural reasons.  There is no doubt about the mental block.  Societal messages or even traumatic experiences can cause mental blocks.  I also think that most cultures simply do not encourage girls to learn how to cum.  For example, I distinctly remember my sixth grade teacher telling us in sex-ed class that masturbation was something that only BOYS did.  What horseshit.  We are still getting the message that as a gender we should not enjoy sex as much as men do.  In my opinion, these messages are powerful and cause a lot of inner turmoil (even subconsciously) in teenaged girls and women while they are by themselves or with a partner.     

I think that you must learn to orgasm on your own before you can do it with another person in the room.  For all I know you do masturbate but never finish.  So I’m going to give you some tips.  I don’t recommend toys, at first.  I recommend that you establish a tactile relationship with your lady parts first.  Have you ever looked at yourself?  You could grab a hand mirror and a flash light and go to town.  There are a lot of nooks and crannies to get to know better.  When you do touch yourself, learn to feel through the rhythm of your touch and take note of what feels good to you.  Use your natural lubrication to work with your clitoris.  Spit works, too.  I believe that for a lot of women repetition is key.  Variety in the hand movements are good, fingering is good, it’s all good.  But consistent rhythm will likely take it on home for you.  And FANTASIZE.  Fantasy is vital to masturbation.  And I’m just going to say it – I do not believe that men are the only ones who are visual creatures when it comes to sexual stimulation. A lot of women dig porn.  So you could look into a kind of pornography that gets you hot.  Whether its soft porn or hard core porn movies, erotica lit or straight up Hustler Magazine – if it makes you hot, it’s good.  Look at it and fantasize about it or what you want the hot guy you saw earlier or currently like to do to you.  Also fantasize about the sex, foreplay and making out you’ve already done – it makes it more real, thus the orgasm translates to the bedroom easier.

This can and will happen for you.  The fact that you know you already enjoy clitoral stimulation during sex gives you a head start.  Learning to orgasm with a partner can take a lot of practice for some women because we need for our partners to take the time to learn what it is that gets us to cum.  When you have a consistent partner, work your way up to a new level whenever you are with him.  Baby steps.  Start by masturbating in front of him (they LOVE that).  Cum while he watches you, if its not too much pressure.  Let him kiss you and play with your tits while you do it.  Once you master that, so to speak, have him masturbate you.  Then try it with oral sex and don’t be afraid to guide him. Also don’t be afraid to fantasize during all of this, either.  The women I’ve spoken with who have mastered the orgasm with and partner and/or during penetration always say the same thing, now matter HOW you do it, fantasy helps and the clit has to be involved.  If you can move your pelvis in a way that puts a lot of friction on the clit up against him, that works.  You can also rub your clit yourself, have him do it for you or both. 

It’s not as easy as some may think.  But it’s possible and completely worth it to learn how.  If you want to have a baby someday, the orgasm is an important aid in that process.  In short, the uterus contracts and the cervix sucks up sperm.  It’s ingenious, really.

Dear Dora:

I'm dealing with some issues between my husband and myself regarding our sex lives.

His favorite activity is for him to be on the receiving end of oral sex.  BUT for several reasons (psychological trauma) I am unable to perform this activity.  He takes it ok sometimes and other times not so much.  He wants to do things differently and I'm at a loss of how to please him without going "there".  It is difficult for me but I am able to perform with my hands but that isn't fully satisfying him.  We do occasionally have regular intercourse but again, there's a shortage of thrills.  We have experimented a bit but I think both of us get too self conscious about role playing so not much gets accomplished there.  We've tried a few basic toys but again the self consciousness gets in the way.  Plus we are dealing with a third party (and thin walls) who we are afraid of hearing any over excitement.

Thanks for any suggestions!

Wanna Do More

Dear Wanna,

I think there is a lot to be said about rediscovery in situations like these.  So things like role playing and toys aren’t your thing, no big deal.  Because of your self consciousness and privacy issues, you must be creative in finding ways to please each other by using what I call good old fashioned sexual romance.  No candlelit dinners, flowers, love notes and all that crap.  It’s time to get a little bit dirty.  You two need to rediscover what it is that makes you HOT.  This is the sort of thing that can be done quietly and at just about any given opportunity.  Whenever you two are alone have sex or make out.  Ask him to finger you in the car.  Fuck in the kitchen.  Set up a tent in the back yard (if you have one).  Send him dirty text messages telling him what you want to do to him later on.  More importantly, intimately rediscover his body, every inch.  And let him do the same to you.  This is the quiet part.  The not so quiet part is what will be going on inside your heads.  You will find new preferences, things that may blow oral sex out of the water, pun intended.  ;) 

As for that, the trauma you’ve experienced that is causing your aversion to giving head must be dealt with exclusively, regardless of whether or not you will ever be able to go down on him.  It may never be possible depending on the degree of your trauma.  It is still important to consider seeking professional counseling to deal with the trauma because it could be seeping into other aspects of your sexuality, such as the self consciousness thing.  That is quite common and people commonly move on from it and learn to love their bodies, fully, again.  Maybe you can do it, too.       

Dear Dora,

I want to know - is sex more hygienic with circumcised guys?

I'm raising this question because yesterday I was reading a sex column by noted sexologist.  I noticed several readers had written to him complaining of pain during sex when their foreskin doesn't entirely uncover the penis head and ends up getting painfully stretched while thrusting outwards. He had recommended that they either undergo circumcision or to use a condom with a hole in it.

More than the pain for my guy, what REALLY worries me is the possibility of smegma - I don't want to have sex with an uncircumcised guy if its going to be painful or unhygienic!

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

My short answer to your first question is no as long as a guy knows how to clean himself. 

To expand, it is true that studies and evidence have shown that natural men may be more vulnerable to bacterial infections like syphilis and gonorrhea but not necessarily skin viruses, like herpes.  It depends on which study you read.  There was a study recently done in Africa that concluded that natural men were more likely to contract HIV.  Despite all of this, in the grand scheme of things, I do not believe that this one sex organ is significantly responsible for the spread of diseases, including HIV.  I think other factors like humans walking the earth for hundreds of thousands of years fucking like bunnies, a lack of condoms, a lack of sex education, needle drugs, breast milk (unfortunately) and rape being used as warfare have been screwing people on this a whole lot more.  There are plenty of Docs in the American medical community that are starting to keep this in perspective when it comes to recommending non-ritual circumcision.  Here is a great link on that: American Medical Association on neonatal circumcision

Along with natural baby boys needing a little extra help with cleaning to prevent Urinary Tract Infections, the greatest risks for uncircumcised guys in the long run are medical conditions such as Phimosis and Paraphimosis which are what these men that you read about were likely dealing with.  Overall, these conditions are rare and fixable.  Fortunately, they are usually caught before adolescence and can be taken care of before a boy becomes sexually active.  It’s interesting that the sexologist suggested a condom with a hole in it (I’m trying to wrap my head around that, so to speak) because a safer option for natural men are condoms with a reservoir tip or just the extra-large kind.   It gives them more room for movement.

On the stigma of “smegma”.  Smegma is the combination of bacteria, possibly yeast, skin cells, dried urine, etc that collects in the head of an uncircumcised penis that has not been cleaned.  Most guys keep clean in this area, the alternative would not be pleasant or easy to ignore.  If a guy has decent hygiene, I doubt he would often experience this phenom.  Urine actually helps to sterilize the head, as well.  And we girls must realize the same sort of materials collect in our gardens as well and what do we do?  We bathe.  So basically, if you are with a guy that’s uncut, have no fear, it’s not any grosser than we are.  :)  

The foreskin is an entire sex organ in and of itself.  It covers the entire shaft of the penis as well as the head.  It has an important role in sexual activity.  It acts as somewhat of a sheath that glides over the shaft of the penis which aids in manual stimulation (not as much need for lube) and labial stimulation during sex.  The foreskin attaches itself to the outer lips of the vagina (even with a condom on), which creates a rhythmic tugging motion that stimulates the clitoris.  The extra skin also helps with stimulating the g-spot, which is right on the inside of the vagina, usually along the upper wall where the nerves are connected to the internal clitoral tissue.  Speaking of clitorises, there is a theory that natural guys kinda have one, too.  It’s on the underside of the head of the penis, where the folds of the foreskin are attached.  As for the sexual sensation factor for men, I really cannot comment on what the differences are for them 'cause I’m not a dude.

 **disclaimer** Circumcised guys reading this – PLEASE do not take offense to this. I know it's touchy for some people and I respect that.  I have no agenda and I sure as hell have no complaints, personally, about the way you guys take care of business, capiche?  But there is a side to this issue that is rarely discussed and I’d like to share it with y'all.  People think often about how circumcision may affect a man's sexual sensation, but how it affects women’s sexual sensation is new territory.  There is a really interesting book called “Sex as Nature Intended it” by Kristin O’Hara.  The link includes links to VERY explicit photos and educational videos so do not consider it safe for work.  NOT SAFE FOR WORK  I haven’t read the whole book yet.  But from what I’ve read of the women’s testimonials and the studies done, there is much to be discussed about how circumcision affects a woman’s pleasure.  And it very fairly addresses that the man attached to the penis is always more important than the penis itself when it comes to how they make love.  See for yourself, if interested.        

Dear Dora,       

I am a gay male who hates being forced to do things I don't want to.  During oral sex many guys will put their hands on the back of your head and try to force you to their satisfaction. I get claustrophobic and have been known to actually stop sex because of it. I enjoy mutual copulation but am not having sex to take out power struggles with someone. I'm having sex to enjoy it and not to be used as a tool. I think perhaps I may have some control issues because once I am not in control I feel like I'm out of control. I think I prefer to be a bit passive on one hand but still maintain my portion of the power. I would therefore be a bad candidate for S & M, domination, bondage, and all that kind of stuff. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy being taken care of or being a little passive when the time comes for it. I just hate being restrained and when somebody has their hands clasped on the back of my head during a sensitive breathing situation I become uncomfortable. Do I have something deeper I'm working around or is this just a preference thing?

Not bound, but “gagged”

Dear Gagged,

No, there is nothing deeper going on here.  I think it’s safe to say that most people do not enjoy having the back of their head pressed to an uncomfortable degree during oral sex.  I mean what is this?  High School?  :-)  Perhaps it is a power issue for some or maybe it’s utter thoughtlessness.  Regardless, you know what you like.  It is your preference to not have your breathing compromised during the act of a BJ.  This doesn’t make you weird and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have deeper issues.  Wanting to feel like you have control during a BJ is totally normal.

Dear Dora,

It has come to my attention that I have a certain problem with sex. Specifically, I think I might sleep with women too soon! Especially if I really like the girl.

What normally happens is that somewhere in the first 3 dates things start to get personal. We start to make very good connections. And naturally kissing ensues. Since I am really interested in the girl, this can quickly lead to something more. And suddenly, I find myself at the "point of no return".  Generally speaking though, I am not the one who pushes it to this point, in my opinion. But it does get there.

So here are my questions. First, how does a guy stop it from getting too physical too early without rejecting the woman and making her feel unwanted? (I really do like the girl!).

Of course, there are certain physical ramifications for stopping something that has gotten too heavy. Which really means, I want to get out of there before I end up in severe pain! So how should I make a graceful exit after telling a girl to slow it down? Specifically, without making her feel like things have gotten weird.

Please keep in mind that this isn’t about promiscuity, this is about girls that I really like - and do not want to take a chance of screwing it up by sleeping together too soon. Even if it was them leading it that way.

Too soon?

Dear Soon,

I’d like to start by addressing the first issue – that you think you might be sleeping with women too soon, especially when you really like them.  Only you can know if that is really true.  I don’t think there should be a fixed time standard on things like this.  You’ve implied that you prefer to wait until at least three dates have passed and if we are going to go by some standard, I’d say that’s pretty common and probably doesn’t lead to an immediate downfall of a perfectly good dating relationship. 

As for stopping the make out sessions before things get too heavy, thus lending to your impending blue balls...I think the best way to avoid these uncomfortable moments is to avoid being put in the position in the first place.  If you are serious about waiting to sleep with a girl, avoid the making-out completely especially since your body doesn’t react well to having to stop.  Politely turn down invites into the homes of women and certainly don’t offer up your own pad as a place to hang out after/during these first few sexless dates.  This may be difficult depending on where you live, but in the end, saving a domestic setting for the big night is the smartest plan for you.  If that suggestion is unrealistic for you - while you are hard core making-out and feeling that the point of no return is approaching, the graceful exit would be to kindly tell her that it might be time to stop and make plans to see her again.  At that point you will have made your interest in her clear.  You don't have to say "I don't want to sleep with you yet" because for all you know, that wasn't her intention to begin with.  As for not wanting her to feel rejected, etc…feh…don’t sweat it.  If anything, she'll probably find this behavior refreshing. 

Dear Dora,

Due to health problems, I will have been celibate 5 years this month.  I’m over 50 & still young at heart.  Any suggestions?  I’m not into trolling the bars or internet for one-night stands.

Celibate Sistah

Dear Cel Sis,

First of all – CONGRATULATIONS for wanting to get out there and embrace your sexuality with another person again!!  This is a big step.  For argument’s sake, I’m going to assume that companionship is also part of your desire since you’ve said you are not interested in one-night stands.

There are all sorts of places to meet men be it the grocery store, the library or a religious gathering like Church.  And you have already suggested two venues that aren’t only for one-night stands and just may help you to find a mate!

It’s true, the bar is always a craps shoot, for all I know you don’t like bars to begin with.  But if you are ever hanging out in one, keep an eye out – You never know. 

Online dating is also a good option.  The basics are a good place to start – eharmony, match.com, Yahoo personals, etc.  Most services will allow you to set up a free profile to get started.  The idea of online dating freaks some people out, but all over the country the stigma is dissipating because it’s actually working for some folks!  I even know plenty of people who have met their life partner though online chat rooms.  Set up a profile for shits and giggles and see what sorts of men are drawn to you.  But don’t just wait around for guys to contact you, do some thorough searching on these websites, as well, to see what is out there.  If you have any friends that have experimented with online dating, ask them to help you get started with a profile if you are weary and don’t know what to say.  They could also be the best judges on what pictures you should use, as well.          

Good luck!

ED - Also with the upcoming elections, if you happen to be active in a party or wish to support a particular candidate, there are always plenty of volunteer opportunities which is a sure fire way to meet people.  Given your health situation, if you need something less strenuous, consider phone banking. 

Dear Dora,

I have been meeting an increasing number of women who do not like oral sex. But specifically, *receiving* oral sex. Uh - WHAT?!  I know it is nothing personal, because I usually hear about this before the situation even arises. Also, I know it really has nothing to do with my technique – I’ve gotten enough feedback to *know* this.  Personally, I am a guy who really *loves* giving oral sex. It is possibly one of my favorite things to do. So this whole phenomenon is totally killing me here.  But anyway. The question is many-fold:

1) Is there some sort of trend that I am missing here, causing women to increasingly not like receiving oral?

2) It is my opinion that a lot of guys don’t know what they are doing, thus causing women not to like it. How should a guy handle this situation?

3) If a guy really likes giving, and a woman does not like receiving ... how can he convince her to give it a shot? (Without being unnatural/unnerving about it).

Perplexed

Dear 'Plexed,

First of all, I’m right there with you – Uh – WHAT?  Now onto your many-folds:

1)  There’s no trend that I know of…if so I didn’t get the memo.  There is an argument here that some of these women are probably self conscious or maybe sexually oppressed in some way.  But another possibility could be just the opposite of the latter, that they simply achieve orgasms easier during penetration or with manual stimulation, likely both.  They know what they like.    

2)  I think that people in general don’t really know what they are doing with oral sex…hopefully just at first.  After all, we’re dealing with parts that we don’t have (presuming we are straight/bi/whatevs).  The clichéd saying is true – communication is key.  Women have a responsibility to themselves to let the guy know what she likes and when she’s about to cum.  This is important because, as you’ve probably noticed, repetition in your movement typically leads up to the big O.  If you change it up at the last second, the buildup to it can be lost.  You’ve probably also noticed that every woman responds differently to oral stimulation.  So how to handle it?  Make sure she knows that she can be fully candid with you and ask for what she wants.  Some women have probably experienced a bad reaction to that sort of thing in the past.  Make sure she knows how open you are.  It’s a gift, my man. 

3)  Due to the potentially sensitive nature of WHY she doesn’t like oral sex, you have to approach the subject carefully.  I would only press the issue if this is a consistent sex partner who you know well and feel comfortable with.  If you are successful and she goes for it, make sure she knows that you want her to guide you through it.

An afterthought:  A surprising number of American women have never had an orgasm.  At all.  I could write a book about that.  But the point is that they wouldn’t enjoy oral sex if that were the case because they wouldn’t really know how to make the big finish come into play – it totally takes practice.  I’m sure you’ve heard before that women need to be in the right mindset.  It’s very true.  Because of that, in my opinion, women sort of make themselves cum while the partner supplies the ever important means.   I think that if more women looked at it that way, coupled with communication to their partner about how they like it, then orgasm can be achieved much easier. 

For the sake of your preferences, I hope that you ultimately end up with partners who really enjoy oral.  Why deny yourself?

Dear Dora,

So here's a dumb question that my boss was asking me yesterday b/c one of the guys mentioned it...why would you need ky jelly if you're not a senior or have gone through menopause?  I said perhaps the girl gets dry or perhaps they like to do anal?

Am I right?

Dear Right,

You are absolutely right.  Anal sex - absolutely every single time - requires lube.  Trying to do anal without it is bad news. 

Every woman experiences vaginal dryness at some point.  I’ve heard that the pill and other hormone altering medicines can cause chronic problems with this.  I’m sure certain medical conditions, even some that aren’t related to our plumbing, can contribute as well.  I have also found that the duration of the sex is a factor.  I highly recommend to every woman that they not deny themselves lube during a long stretch of penetration.  If you’ve ever experienced pain or soreness after having sex, it’s likely because the juices weren’t flowing as much as the job required.   Also, if a woman’s partner is circumcised, it is especially important to have lube handy.  The ridge of the circumcised penis’ head tends to draw moisture out of the vagina during the outward action.  I also recommend experimenting with different types of lube – flavors, sensations, etc. 

Dear Dora,

After many years of marriage to a wonderful man, I sometimes find myself bored and wanting to branch out.  Not with another man, but perhaps with something rubber and vibrating.  I've never been within twenty feet of a sex shop and don't even know if they HAVE them within two hours of my conservative home town.  So, here's my question:  I understand the internet can provide a private girl with access to many a wondrous thing, but where to start?

kthanx!

O Hai Kthanx,

It’s time to google, girl. I found a good article at spiceygear.com about how to choose the right sex toy for you…good luck in your search!!  Here is the link: NOT SAFE FOR WORK!