Finding Your Inner Kink and The Stigma of Smegma

Dear Dora:

I'm dealing with some issues between my husband and myself regarding our sex lives.

His favorite activity is for him to be on the receiving end of oral sex.  BUT for several reasons (psychological trauma) I am unable to perform this activity.  He takes it ok sometimes and other times not so much.  He wants to do things differently and I'm at a loss of how to please him without going "there".  It is difficult for me but I am able to perform with my hands but that isn't fully satisfying him.  We do occasionally have regular intercourse but again, there's a shortage of thrills.  We have experimented a bit but I think both of us get too self conscious about role playing so not much gets accomplished there.  We've tried a few basic toys but again the self consciousness gets in the way.  Plus we are dealing with a third party (and thin walls) who we are afraid of hearing any over excitement.

Thanks for any suggestions!

Wanna Do More

Dear Wanna,

I think there is a lot to be said about rediscovery in situations like these.  So things like role playing and toys aren’t your thing, no big deal.  Because of your self consciousness and privacy issues, you must be creative in finding ways to please each other by using what I call good old fashioned sexual romance.  No candlelit dinners, flowers, love notes and all that crap.  It’s time to get a little bit dirty.  You two need to rediscover what it is that makes you HOT.  This is the sort of thing that can be done quietly and at just about any given opportunity.  Whenever you two are alone have sex or make out.  Ask him to finger you in the car.  Fuck in the kitchen.  Set up a tent in the back yard (if you have one).  Send him dirty text messages telling him what you want to do to him later on.  More importantly, intimately rediscover his body, every inch.  And let him do the same to you.  This is the quiet part.  The not so quiet part is what will be going on inside your heads.  You will find new preferences, things that may blow oral sex out of the water, pun intended.  ;) 

As for that, the trauma you’ve experienced that is causing your aversion to giving head must be dealt with exclusively, regardless of whether or not you will ever be able to go down on him.  It may never be possible depending on the degree of your trauma.  It is still important to consider seeking professional counseling to deal with the trauma because it could be seeping into other aspects of your sexuality, such as the self consciousness thing.  That is quite common and people commonly move on from it and learn to love their bodies, fully, again.  Maybe you can do it, too.       

Dear Dora,

I want to know - is sex more hygienic with circumcised guys?

I'm raising this question because yesterday I was reading a sex column by noted sexologist.  I noticed several readers had written to him complaining of pain during sex when their foreskin doesn't entirely uncover the penis head and ends up getting painfully stretched while thrusting outwards. He had recommended that they either undergo circumcision or to use a condom with a hole in it.

More than the pain for my guy, what REALLY worries me is the possibility of smegma - I don't want to have sex with an uncircumcised guy if its going to be painful or unhygienic!

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

My short answer to your first question is no as long as a guy knows how to clean himself. 

To expand, it is true that studies and evidence have shown that natural men may be more vulnerable to bacterial infections like syphilis and gonorrhea but not necessarily skin viruses, like herpes.  It depends on which study you read.  There was a study recently done in Africa that concluded that natural men were more likely to contract HIV.  Despite all of this, in the grand scheme of things, I do not believe that this one sex organ is significantly responsible for the spread of diseases, including HIV.  I think other factors like humans walking the earth for hundreds of thousands of years fucking like bunnies, a lack of condoms, a lack of sex education, needle drugs, breast milk (unfortunately) and rape being used as warfare have been screwing people on this a whole lot more.  There are plenty of Docs in the American medical community that are starting to keep this in perspective when it comes to recommending non-ritual circumcision.  Here is a great link on that: American Medical Association on neonatal circumcision

Along with natural baby boys needing a little extra help with cleaning to prevent Urinary Tract Infections, the greatest risks for uncircumcised guys in the long run are medical conditions such as Phimosis and Paraphimosis which are what these men that you read about were likely dealing with.  Overall, these conditions are rare and fixable.  Fortunately, they are usually caught before adolescence and can be taken care of before a boy becomes sexually active.  It’s interesting that the sexologist suggested a condom with a hole in it (I’m trying to wrap my head around that, so to speak) because a safer option for natural men are condoms with a reservoir tip or just the extra-large kind.   It gives them more room for movement.

On the stigma of “smegma”.  Smegma is the combination of bacteria, possibly yeast, skin cells, dried urine, etc that collects in the head of an uncircumcised penis that has not been cleaned.  Most guys keep clean in this area, the alternative would not be pleasant or easy to ignore.  If a guy has decent hygiene, I doubt he would often experience this phenom.  Urine actually helps to sterilize the head, as well.  And we girls must realize the same sort of materials collect in our gardens as well and what do we do?  We bathe.  So basically, if you are with a guy that’s uncut, have no fear, it’s not any grosser than we are.  :)  

The foreskin is an entire sex organ in and of itself.  It covers the entire shaft of the penis as well as the head.  It has an important role in sexual activity.  It acts as somewhat of a sheath that glides over the shaft of the penis which aids in manual stimulation (not as much need for lube) and labial stimulation during sex.  The foreskin attaches itself to the outer lips of the vagina (even with a condom on), which creates a rhythmic tugging motion that stimulates the clitoris.  The extra skin also helps with stimulating the g-spot, which is right on the inside of the vagina, usually along the upper wall where the nerves are connected to the internal clitoral tissue.  Speaking of clitorises, there is a theory that natural guys kinda have one, too.  It’s on the underside of the head of the penis, where the folds of the foreskin are attached.  As for the sexual sensation factor for men, I really cannot comment on what the differences are for them 'cause I’m not a dude.

 **disclaimer** Circumcised guys reading this – PLEASE do not take offense to this. I know it's touchy for some people and I respect that.  I have no agenda and I sure as hell have no complaints, personally, about the way you guys take care of business, capiche?  But there is a side to this issue that is rarely discussed and I’d like to share it with y'all.  People think often about how circumcision may affect a man's sexual sensation, but how it affects women’s sexual sensation is new territory.  There is a really interesting book called “Sex as Nature Intended it” by Kristin O’Hara.  The link includes links to VERY explicit photos and educational videos so do not consider it safe for work.  NOT SAFE FOR WORK  I haven’t read the whole book yet.  But from what I’ve read of the women’s testimonials and the studies done, there is much to be discussed about how circumcision affects a woman’s pleasure.  And it very fairly addresses that the man attached to the penis is always more important than the penis itself when it comes to how they make love.  See for yourself, if interested.