Power, The Wait and Getting Back into the Game

Dear Dora,       

I am a gay male who hates being forced to do things I don't want to.  During oral sex many guys will put their hands on the back of your head and try to force you to their satisfaction. I get claustrophobic and have been known to actually stop sex because of it. I enjoy mutual copulation but am not having sex to take out power struggles with someone. I'm having sex to enjoy it and not to be used as a tool. I think perhaps I may have some control issues because once I am not in control I feel like I'm out of control. I think I prefer to be a bit passive on one hand but still maintain my portion of the power. I would therefore be a bad candidate for S & M, domination, bondage, and all that kind of stuff. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy being taken care of or being a little passive when the time comes for it. I just hate being restrained and when somebody has their hands clasped on the back of my head during a sensitive breathing situation I become uncomfortable. Do I have something deeper I'm working around or is this just a preference thing?

Not bound, but “gagged”

Dear Gagged,

No, there is nothing deeper going on here.  I think it’s safe to say that most people do not enjoy having the back of their head pressed to an uncomfortable degree during oral sex.  I mean what is this?  High School?  :-)  Perhaps it is a power issue for some or maybe it’s utter thoughtlessness.  Regardless, you know what you like.  It is your preference to not have your breathing compromised during the act of a BJ.  This doesn’t make you weird and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have deeper issues.  Wanting to feel like you have control during a BJ is totally normal.

Dear Dora,

It has come to my attention that I have a certain problem with sex. Specifically, I think I might sleep with women too soon! Especially if I really like the girl.

What normally happens is that somewhere in the first 3 dates things start to get personal. We start to make very good connections. And naturally kissing ensues. Since I am really interested in the girl, this can quickly lead to something more. And suddenly, I find myself at the "point of no return".  Generally speaking though, I am not the one who pushes it to this point, in my opinion. But it does get there.

So here are my questions. First, how does a guy stop it from getting too physical too early without rejecting the woman and making her feel unwanted? (I really do like the girl!).

Of course, there are certain physical ramifications for stopping something that has gotten too heavy. Which really means, I want to get out of there before I end up in severe pain! So how should I make a graceful exit after telling a girl to slow it down? Specifically, without making her feel like things have gotten weird.

Please keep in mind that this isn’t about promiscuity, this is about girls that I really like - and do not want to take a chance of screwing it up by sleeping together too soon. Even if it was them leading it that way.

Too soon?

Dear Soon,

I’d like to start by addressing the first issue – that you think you might be sleeping with women too soon, especially when you really like them.  Only you can know if that is really true.  I don’t think there should be a fixed time standard on things like this.  You’ve implied that you prefer to wait until at least three dates have passed and if we are going to go by some standard, I’d say that’s pretty common and probably doesn’t lead to an immediate downfall of a perfectly good dating relationship. 

As for stopping the make out sessions before things get too heavy, thus lending to your impending blue balls...I think the best way to avoid these uncomfortable moments is to avoid being put in the position in the first place.  If you are serious about waiting to sleep with a girl, avoid the making-out completely especially since your body doesn’t react well to having to stop.  Politely turn down invites into the homes of women and certainly don’t offer up your own pad as a place to hang out after/during these first few sexless dates.  This may be difficult depending on where you live, but in the end, saving a domestic setting for the big night is the smartest plan for you.  If that suggestion is unrealistic for you - while you are hard core making-out and feeling that the point of no return is approaching, the graceful exit would be to kindly tell her that it might be time to stop and make plans to see her again.  At that point you will have made your interest in her clear.  You don't have to say "I don't want to sleep with you yet" because for all you know, that wasn't her intention to begin with.  As for not wanting her to feel rejected, etc…feh…don’t sweat it.  If anything, she'll probably find this behavior refreshing. 

Dear Dora,

Due to health problems, I will have been celibate 5 years this month.  I’m over 50 & still young at heart.  Any suggestions?  I’m not into trolling the bars or internet for one-night stands.

Celibate Sistah

Dear Cel Sis,

First of all – CONGRATULATIONS for wanting to get out there and embrace your sexuality with another person again!!  This is a big step.  For argument’s sake, I’m going to assume that companionship is also part of your desire since you’ve said you are not interested in one-night stands.

There are all sorts of places to meet men be it the grocery store, the library or a religious gathering like Church.  And you have already suggested two venues that aren’t only for one-night stands and just may help you to find a mate!

It’s true, the bar is always a craps shoot, for all I know you don’t like bars to begin with.  But if you are ever hanging out in one, keep an eye out – You never know. 

Online dating is also a good option.  The basics are a good place to start – eharmony, match.com, Yahoo personals, etc.  Most services will allow you to set up a free profile to get started.  The idea of online dating freaks some people out, but all over the country the stigma is dissipating because it’s actually working for some folks!  I even know plenty of people who have met their life partner though online chat rooms.  Set up a profile for shits and giggles and see what sorts of men are drawn to you.  But don’t just wait around for guys to contact you, do some thorough searching on these websites, as well, to see what is out there.  If you have any friends that have experimented with online dating, ask them to help you get started with a profile if you are weary and don’t know what to say.  They could also be the best judges on what pictures you should use, as well.          

Good luck!

ED - Also with the upcoming elections, if you happen to be active in a party or wish to support a particular candidate, there are always plenty of volunteer opportunities which is a sure fire way to meet people.  Given your health situation, if you need something less strenuous, consider phone banking.