Secrets, Secrets They're No Fun and Baby Steps to the Orgasm.

Dear Dora,

I am a gay male and once upon a time I had a fuck buddy.  It was easy, fun, quick, and worry-free.  That is until I found out he was HIV positive -- From an online dating website months after our last encounter.  No mention of it for nearly 2 years!!  Yes I should have asked like I normally do, but there were circumstances involved that led me to believe all systems were go.  Fortunately, I did not get it from him.  When I confronted this hopeless homo about this detail he so conveniently left out, he informed me we had never had the kind of sex that put me at risk.  Oh, really?  Who is he to decide this for me?  This reeks of denial and lacks considerably in accepting yourself for who you are.  So, since the Dora's always open, I am asking you what is the (or what should be) the unwritten rule about disclosing one's status, be it an STD or even a transgender issue, in a sexual relationship?    What page in your book of secrets should you turn to when swapping sheets with a special or not-so-special someone?

Still Negative

Dear Neg,

This is really heavy.  What this person did was deceitful, unethical and completely dangerous.  He put you at risk.  Period.  I’m glad that people with HIV have ways to make sex as safe as possible, a vision that was only a theory not that many years ago.  Condoms do work.  Yes, oral sex is a lower risk than anal sex – kinda sorta, which is what I assume is what was going on here.  But NONE of these things are fool proof.  Has this guy ever heard of sores in the mouth?  And it should absolutely be up to YOU to make that choice, not him.  He owed you the explanation before you two ever met.  If you met him online, he had NO business being on a casual sex network and not revealing his status.  In addition to what you said about denial and a lack of acceptance I also think the fear of being rejected sexually fuels this kind of deceit.  The point is – it doesn’t matter.  He should have told you immediately especially since this was a casual affair. 

With Trannies, the transition has such a wide spectrum of changes and can take years regardless of whether or not they have surgery.  I just don’t know enough about the coming out process for them to comment on that.

With other STD’s I think that it’s a slightly different ball game than HIV.  With bacterial infections and lice…a reasonable person probably wouldn’t be in a position to share because they would likely have taken care of the problem before their next encounter.  No one needs to know about the Chlamydia you treated two years after the fact.  It’s gone.  However, people with skin viruses like herpes or HVP face a lot of shame and stigma and do tend to utilize dating services geared towards the H community because of that.  But no two cases are the same AND they are ridiculously common.  Despite the low risk some of these people present, they should still be honest about it before a sexual encounter.  Compared to what this guy did, it is important to remember that a vast majority of STD’s will not kill you.  HIV, duh, will eventually kill you.  And while I sympathize with his plight…I do not sympathize with him for knowingly putting others at risk.  It’s like something out of Law & Order SVU for fuck’s sake.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this episode…

Dear Dora,

In the past, I've been quite sexually active and in fact do enjoy sex; however, I tend to enjoy the foreplay more than anything as the final outcome leaves me feeling nothing. It's not that the actual act is un-pleasurable, but unless there is some sort of clitoral stimulation I'm left completely unsatisfied. I know this is often the case with most women as I was told once that there were some 4,000 nerves in the clitoris, but the ultimate problem is that even if sexual intercourse (which is often just okay for me) is followed up by clitoral stimulation, I still cannot orgasm. In fact, I've never had an orgasm.

I've heard many reasons why, but I wondered what your take on it is as I've heard some women just don't orgasm until much later in life or perhaps that it's a mental block - but I'm just not so sure. Will I ever be able to reach that ultimate satisfaction with a partner or even on my own?

Unsure and Unsatisfied

Dear Un,

Your experience is very common.  About one in four women have experienced this type of sexual dysfunction.  You should talk to your GYN about this.  They may feel it’s necessary to rule out any medical reasons.  There are a lot of potential reasons, yes.  Excluding the possibility of medical concerns or hormone levels, I do not think that some women experience this or don’t cum until later in life because of natural reasons.  There is no doubt about the mental block.  Societal messages or even traumatic experiences can cause mental blocks.  I also think that most cultures simply do not encourage girls to learn how to cum.  For example, I distinctly remember my sixth grade teacher telling us in sex-ed class that masturbation was something that only BOYS did.  What horseshit.  We are still getting the message that as a gender we should not enjoy sex as much as men do.  In my opinion, these messages are powerful and cause a lot of inner turmoil (even subconsciously) in teenaged girls and women while they are by themselves or with a partner.     

I think that you must learn to orgasm on your own before you can do it with another person in the room.  For all I know you do masturbate but never finish.  So I’m going to give you some tips.  I don’t recommend toys, at first.  I recommend that you establish a tactile relationship with your lady parts first.  Have you ever looked at yourself?  You could grab a hand mirror and a flash light and go to town.  There are a lot of nooks and crannies to get to know better.  When you do touch yourself, learn to feel through the rhythm of your touch and take note of what feels good to you.  Use your natural lubrication to work with your clitoris.  Spit works, too.  I believe that for a lot of women repetition is key.  Variety in the hand movements are good, fingering is good, it’s all good.  But consistent rhythm will likely take it on home for you.  And FANTASIZE.  Fantasy is vital to masturbation.  And I’m just going to say it – I do not believe that men are the only ones who are visual creatures when it comes to sexual stimulation. A lot of women dig porn.  So you could look into a kind of pornography that gets you hot.  Whether its soft porn or hard core porn movies, erotica lit or straight up Hustler Magazine – if it makes you hot, it’s good.  Look at it and fantasize about it or what you want the hot guy you saw earlier or currently like to do to you.  Also fantasize about the sex, foreplay and making out you’ve already done – it makes it more real, thus the orgasm translates to the bedroom easier.

This can and will happen for you.  The fact that you know you already enjoy clitoral stimulation during sex gives you a head start.  Learning to orgasm with a partner can take a lot of practice for some women because we need for our partners to take the time to learn what it is that gets us to cum.  When you have a consistent partner, work your way up to a new level whenever you are with him.  Baby steps.  Start by masturbating in front of him (they LOVE that).  Cum while he watches you, if its not too much pressure.  Let him kiss you and play with your tits while you do it.  Once you master that, so to speak, have him masturbate you.  Then try it with oral sex and don’t be afraid to guide him. Also don’t be afraid to fantasize during all of this, either.  The women I’ve spoken with who have mastered the orgasm with and partner and/or during penetration always say the same thing, now matter HOW you do it, fantasy helps and the clit has to be involved.  If you can move your pelvis in a way that puts a lot of friction on the clit up against him, that works.  You can also rub your clit yourself, have him do it for you or both. 

It’s not as easy as some may think.  But it’s possible and completely worth it to learn how.  If you want to have a baby someday, the orgasm is an important aid in that process.  In short, the uterus contracts and the cervix sucks up sperm.  It’s ingenious, really.