Sexual Introspection and Expanding Your Horizons

Dear Dora,

I love sex. Not in a sex addict kind of way, but in a it's-so-much-fun-when-I-have-it kind of way. I'm not in a relationship right now so for the time being, it's me and battery operated toys.

My issue is this - during 'real' sex or self-pleasure, I'll have a good time until the moment of orgasm. At that point, it's not uncommon for me to have a wave of guilt or remorse, as if I've just done something I shouldn't be enjoying.

I didn't grow up where guilt was a factor in my personal development, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I don't like to talk about my sex life even around friends, even if I'm far from being a prude in action, so I don't know if anyone else goes through this as well.

Guilty Pleasured

Dear Guilty,

I have a feeling that what you experience in these moments is very common.  Regardless of the household we come from, all women and men get the same message from that blasted entity we call “society” – women are not supposed to enjoy sex as much as men.  Nor are we supposed to want it as often, which is a bunch of shite.  Have you ever had a lover or two in the past that could have let that myth interfere with your sexual experiences?  I’ve known a few women who have had boyfriends who were quite inconvenienced by their need to climax and/or fully enjoy the experience in their own way.  I’m willing to bet this happens to men, too. 

I certainly hope that these feelings aren’t preventing you from actually having the orgasm.  It sounds like that isn’t the case a lot of the time, since you’ve referenced the moment of orgasm.  So perhaps because of the guilt and remorse, your orgasms maybe aren’t as good as they could be and that needs to change.  The answer needs to be found inside of you.  You need to figure out where this guilt is coming from.  It may be right in front of you and you just don’t know it.  If a change in perspective i.e. telling yourself that you have the right to touch yourself, have sex and cum and enjoy every second of it isn’t enough to stop the guilt and shame, then I must suggest that you seek a counselor.  A real psychotherapist could help you get to the bottom of this and I think it would absolutely be worth it to do so.  This is a head-trip, plain and simple, and I think you can move beyond it.  You deserve to enjoy everything about your sexuality, we all do.       

Dora Dora

I feel terrible even mentioning this but here goes. I met a great guy and for several months we've been having a great relationship. Although things aren’t completely serious yet they are getting there. We make each other really happy. There's one problem - his size. I can’t really say that size in the past size has mattered much to me but this time it’s different. Physically it’s impossible for him to hit my g-spot. We do other things during foreplay etc, and its not that I can’t come with intercourse alone.  That’s never been a problem for me in the past. It is a slight problem now. Other aspects of the relationship are great that's why, personally, this is such a difficult situation for me. I don’t always feel satisfied sexually and it’s because of this and that's what bothers me. I don’t know what to do...breaking up is obviously not an option but how can I feel more satisfied, physically and emotionally, with him knowing that he will never "touch" me in a way I long for a lover to touch me.

Untouched

Dear Untouched,

First things first – you need to be trying new positions.  Perhaps you’ve thought of this already.  Ask yourself, in all the other times you’ve been able to cum during intercourse how were you positioned?  Is it possible to put a spin on the positions so that he can get farther up inside of you?  If not, then you need to experiment with moves you haven’t tried before.  I recommend touching yourself during penetration, after all, the g-spot is an extension of the clitoris, it’s all coming from the same place, so to speak.  I also suggest that you incorporate toys into your intercourse.  Ask him to use a dildo on you.  In fact, if you don’t already have one, let him help you pick it out.  Teach him the rhythm it takes to get you to cum.  Presenting this sort of idea to him may be a little awkward so be sure to focus on the idea of branching out and trying new things when discussing it.  After all, a lot guys (the ones who are secure with themselves, especially) love playing with toys in bed regardless of how their own size compares with the toy. 

And this may seem radical but have you considered trying anal??  This would be great for him too considering the tightness factor.  Orgasms that occur during anal sex are extremely intense for most women.  We may not have a prostate but we have TONS of nerve endings back there that shouldn’t be ignored.  A lot of women are in denial about this and a lot of women don’t really know any better because they haven’t done it the right way.  There is definitely a wrong way and a right way to do anal and often people don’t know what the hell they’re doing and end up experiencing pain and even injuries, like hemorrhoids.  But I don’t want to freak you out.  Done the correct way, learning to understand the functions of the muscles and sphincters down there can open you up to a whole new world of orgasms during penetration.  Give it a shot, but please read up on it first to learn the basics about cleanliness, various positions and most importantly the step by step maneuvering to make it the pleasurable experience it’s supposed to be.  You could even practice on yourself first to make sure its right for you. 

I hope this helps.  This is a very tough situation to be in because, in a way, you have a preference that involves size and HOW you orgasm and normally I never encourage people to ignore their sexual preferences.  However there is something to be said about expanding your horizons and finding new preferences with your orgasms, especially when you’ve found someone special.  It sounds like you really like this guy.  So stick it out for now by trying new things and I wish you the best of luck.  Normally I don’t ask this of my readers, but please keep me updated.  I’m curious to see how this turns out for you crazy kids.  ;)