Dear Dora:
I'm dealing with some issues between my husband and myself regarding our sex lives.
His favorite activity is for him to be on the receiving end of oral sex. BUT for several reasons (psychological trauma) I am unable to perform this activity. He takes it ok sometimes and other times not so much. He wants to do things differently and I'm at a loss of how to please him without going "there". It is difficult for me but I am able to perform with my hands but that isn't fully satisfying him. We do occasionally have regular intercourse but again, there's a shortage of thrills. We have experimented a bit but I think both of us get too self conscious about role playing so not much gets accomplished there. We've tried a few basic toys but again the self consciousness gets in the way. Plus we are dealing with a third party (and thin walls) who we are afraid of hearing any over excitement.
Thanks for any suggestions!
Wanna Do More
Dear Wanna,
I think there is a lot to be said about rediscovery in situations like these. So things like role playing and toys aren’t your thing, no big deal. Because of your self consciousness and privacy issues, you must be creative in finding ways to please each other by using what I call good old fashioned sexual romance. No candlelit dinners, flowers, love notes and all that crap. It’s time to get a little bit dirty. You two need to rediscover what it is that makes you HOT. This is the sort of thing that can be done quietly and at just about any given opportunity. Whenever you two are alone have sex or make out. Ask him to finger you in the car. Fuck in the kitchen. Set up a tent in the back yard (if you have one). Send him dirty text messages telling him what you want to do to him later on. More importantly, intimately rediscover his body, every inch. And let him do the same to you. This is the quiet part. The not so quiet part is what will be going on inside your heads. You will find new preferences, things that may blow oral sex out of the water, pun intended. ;)
As for that, the trauma you’ve experienced that is causing your aversion to giving head must be dealt with exclusively, regardless of whether or not you will ever be able to go down on him. It may never be possible depending on the degree of your trauma. It is still important to consider seeking professional counseling to deal with the trauma because it could be seeping into other aspects of your sexuality, such as the self consciousness thing. That is quite common and people commonly move on from it and learn to love their bodies, fully, again. Maybe you can do it, too.
Dear Dora,
I want to know - is sex more hygienic with circumcised guys?
I'm raising this question because yesterday I was reading a sex column by noted sexologist. I noticed several readers had written to him complaining of pain during sex when their foreskin doesn't entirely uncover the penis head and ends up getting painfully stretched while thrusting outwards. He had recommended that they either undergo circumcision or to use a condom with a hole in it.
More than the pain for my guy, what REALLY worries me is the possibility of smegma - I don't want to have sex with an uncircumcised guy if its going to be painful or unhygienic!
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
My short answer to your first question is no as long as a guy knows how to clean himself.
To expand, it is true that studies and evidence have shown that natural men may be more vulnerable to bacterial infections like syphilis and gonorrhea but not necessarily skin viruses, like herpes. It depends on which study you read. There was a study recently done in Africa that concluded that natural men were more likely to contract HIV. Despite all of this, in the grand scheme of things, I do not believe that this one sex organ is significantly responsible for the spread of diseases, including HIV. I think other factors like humans walking the earth for hundreds of thousands of years fucking like bunnies, a lack of condoms, a lack of sex education, needle drugs, breast milk (unfortunately) and rape being used as warfare have been screwing people on this a whole lot more. There are plenty of Docs in the American medical community that are starting to keep this in perspective when it comes to recommending non-ritual circumcision. Here is a great link on that: American Medical Association on neonatal circumcision
Along with
natural baby boys needing a little extra help with cleaning to prevent Urinary
Tract Infections, the greatest risks for uncircumcised guys in the long run are medical conditions
such as Phimosis and Paraphimosis
which are what these men that you read about were likely dealing with. Overall, these conditions are rare and fixable. Fortunately, they are usually caught before
adolescence and can be taken care of before a boy becomes sexually active. It’s interesting that the sexologist
suggested a condom with a hole in it (I’m trying to wrap my head around that,
so to speak) because a safer option for natural men are condoms with a
reservoir tip or just the extra-large kind.
It gives them more room for movement.
On the
stigma of “smegma”. Smegma is the
combination of bacteria, possibly yeast, skin cells, dried urine, etc that
collects in the head of an uncircumcised penis that has not been cleaned. Most guys keep clean in this area, the
alternative would not be pleasant or easy to ignore. If a guy has decent hygiene, I doubt he would
often experience this phenom. Urine
actually helps to sterilize the head, as well.
And we girls must realize the same sort of materials collect in our
gardens as well and what do we do? We
bathe. So basically, if you are with a
guy that’s uncut, have no fear, it’s not any grosser than we are. :)
The foreskin is an entire sex organ in and of itself. It covers the entire shaft of the penis as well as the head. It has an important role in sexual activity. It acts as somewhat of a sheath that glides over the shaft of the penis which aids in manual stimulation (not as much need for lube) and labial stimulation during sex. The foreskin attaches itself to the outer lips of the vagina (even with a condom on), which creates a rhythmic tugging motion that stimulates the clitoris. The extra skin also helps with stimulating the g-spot, which is right on the inside of the vagina, usually along the upper wall where the nerves are connected to the internal clitoral tissue. Speaking of clitorises, there is a theory that natural guys kinda have one, too. It’s on the underside of the head of the penis, where the folds of the foreskin are attached. As for the sexual sensation factor for men, I really cannot comment on what the differences are for them 'cause I’m not a dude.
**disclaimer** Circumcised guys reading this – PLEASE do not take offense to this. I know it's touchy for some people and I respect that. I have no agenda and I sure as hell have no complaints, personally, about the way you guys take care of business, capiche? But there is a side to this issue that is rarely discussed and I’d like to share it with y'all. People think often about how circumcision may affect a man's sexual sensation, but how it affects women’s sexual sensation is new territory. There is a really interesting book called “Sex as Nature Intended it” by Kristin O’Hara. The link includes links to VERY explicit photos and educational videos so do not consider it safe for work. NOT SAFE FOR WORK I haven’t read the whole book yet. But from what I’ve read of the women’s testimonials and the studies done, there is much to be discussed about how circumcision affects a woman’s pleasure. And it very fairly addresses that the man attached to the penis is always more important than the penis itself when it comes to how they make love. See for yourself, if interested.
Dear Dora,
I am a gay male who hates being forced to do things I don't want to. During oral sex many guys will put their hands on the back of your head and try to force you to their satisfaction. I get claustrophobic and have been known to actually stop sex because of it. I enjoy mutual copulation but am not having sex to take out power struggles with someone. I'm having sex to enjoy it and not to be used as a tool. I think perhaps I may have some control issues because once I am not in control I feel like I'm out of control. I think I prefer to be a bit passive on one hand but still maintain my portion of the power. I would therefore be a bad candidate for S & M, domination, bondage, and all that kind of stuff. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy being taken care of or being a little passive when the time comes for it. I just hate being restrained and when somebody has their hands clasped on the back of my head during a sensitive breathing situation I become uncomfortable. Do I have something deeper I'm working around or is this just a preference thing?
Not bound, but “gagged”
Dear Gagged,
No, there
is nothing deeper going on here. I think
it’s safe to say that most people do not enjoy having the back of their head
pressed to an uncomfortable degree during oral sex. I mean what is this? High School? :-) Perhaps it is a
power issue for some or maybe it’s utter thoughtlessness. Regardless, you know what you like. It is your preference to not have your
breathing compromised during the act of a BJ. This doesn’t make you weird and it certainly
doesn’t mean that you have deeper issues. Wanting to feel like you have control during a BJ is totally normal.
Dear Dora,
It has come to my attention that I have a certain problem with sex. Specifically, I think I might sleep with women too soon! Especially if I really like the girl.
What normally happens is that somewhere in the first 3 dates things start to get personal. We start to make very good connections. And naturally kissing ensues. Since I am really interested in the girl, this can quickly lead to something more. And suddenly, I find myself at the "point of no return". Generally speaking though, I am not the one who pushes it to this point, in my opinion. But it does get there.
So here are my questions. First, how does a guy stop it from getting too physical too early without rejecting the woman and making her feel unwanted? (I really do like the girl!).
Of course, there are certain physical ramifications for stopping something that has gotten too heavy. Which really means, I want to get out of there before I end up in severe pain! So how should I make a graceful exit after telling a girl to slow it down? Specifically, without making her feel like things have gotten weird.
Please keep
in mind that this isn’t about promiscuity, this is about girls that I really
like - and do not want to take a chance of screwing it up by sleeping together
too soon. Even if it was them leading it that way.
Too soon?
Dear Soon,
I’d like to start by addressing the first issue – that you think you might be sleeping with women too soon, especially when you really like them. Only you can know if that is really true. I don’t think there should be a fixed time standard on things like this. You’ve implied that you prefer to wait until at least three dates have passed and if we are going to go by some standard, I’d say that’s pretty common and probably doesn’t lead to an immediate downfall of a perfectly good dating relationship.
As for stopping the make out sessions before things get too heavy, thus lending to your impending blue balls...I think the
best way to avoid these uncomfortable moments is to avoid being put in the
position in the first place. If you are serious about waiting to sleep
with a girl, avoid the making-out completely especially since your body doesn’t
react well to having to stop. Politely turn down invites into the homes of women and
certainly don’t offer up your own pad as a place to hang out after/during these
first few sexless dates. This may be difficult depending on where you
live, but in the end, saving a domestic setting for the big night is the
smartest plan for you. If that suggestion is unrealistic for you - while you are hard core making-out and feeling that the point of no return is approaching, the graceful exit would be to kindly tell her that it might be time to stop and make plans to see her again. At that point you will have made your interest in her clear. You don't have to say "I don't want to sleep with you yet" because for all you know, that wasn't her intention to begin with. As for not
wanting her to feel rejected, etc…feh…don’t sweat it. If anything, she'll probably find this behavior refreshing.
Dear Dora,
Due to health problems, I will have been celibate 5 years this month. I’m over 50 & still young at heart. Any suggestions? I’m not into trolling the bars or internet for one-night stands.
Celibate Sistah
Dear Cel Sis,
First of all – CONGRATULATIONS for wanting to get out there and embrace your sexuality with another person again!! This is a big step. For argument’s sake, I’m going to assume that companionship is also part of your desire since you’ve said you are not interested in one-night stands.
There are
all sorts of places to meet men be it the grocery store, the library or a
religious gathering like Church. And you have already suggested two
venues that aren’t only for one-night stands and just may help you to find a
mate!
It’s true, the bar is always a craps shoot, for all I know you don’t like bars to begin with. But if you are ever hanging out in one, keep an eye out – You never know.
Online dating is also a good option. The basics are a good place to start – eharmony, match.com, Yahoo personals, etc. Most services will allow you to set up a free profile to get started. The idea of online dating freaks some people out, but all over the country the stigma is dissipating because it’s actually working for some folks! I even know plenty of people who have met their life partner though online chat rooms. Set up a profile for shits and giggles and see what sorts of men are drawn to you. But don’t just wait around for guys to contact you, do some thorough searching on these websites, as well, to see what is out there. If you have any friends that have experimented with online dating, ask them to help you get started with a profile if you are weary and don’t know what to say. They could also be the best judges on what pictures you should use, as well.
Good luck!
ED - Also with the upcoming elections, if you happen to be active in a party or wish to support a particular candidate, there are always plenty of volunteer opportunities which is a sure fire way to meet people. Given your health situation, if you need something less strenuous, consider phone banking.
Dear Dora,
I have been meeting an increasing number of women who do not like oral sex. But specifically, *receiving* oral sex. Uh - WHAT?! I know it is nothing personal, because I usually hear about this before the situation even arises. Also, I know it really has nothing to do with my technique – I’ve gotten enough feedback to *know* this. Personally, I am a guy who really *loves* giving oral sex. It is possibly one of my favorite things to do. So this whole phenomenon is totally killing me here. But anyway. The question is many-fold:
1) Is there some sort of trend that I am missing here, causing women to increasingly not like receiving oral?
2) It is my opinion that a lot of guys don’t know what they are doing, thus causing women not to like it. How should a guy handle this situation?
3) If a guy really likes giving, and a woman does not like receiving ... how can he convince her to give it a shot? (Without being unnatural/unnerving about it).
Perplexed
Dear 'Plexed,
First of all, I’m right there with you – Uh – WHAT? Now onto your many-folds:
1) There’s no trend that I know of…if so I didn’t get the memo. There is an argument here that some of these women are probably self conscious or maybe sexually oppressed in some way. But another possibility could be just the opposite of the latter, that they simply achieve orgasms easier during penetration or with manual stimulation, likely both. They know what they like.
2) I think that people in general don’t really know what they are doing with oral sex…hopefully just at first. After all, we’re dealing with parts that we don’t have (presuming we are straight/bi/whatevs). The clichéd saying is true – communication is key. Women have a responsibility to themselves to let the guy know what she likes and when she’s about to cum. This is important because, as you’ve probably noticed, repetition in your movement typically leads up to the big O. If you change it up at the last second, the buildup to it can be lost. You’ve probably also noticed that every woman responds differently to oral stimulation. So how to handle it? Make sure she knows that she can be fully candid with you and ask for what she wants. Some women have probably experienced a bad reaction to that sort of thing in the past. Make sure she knows how open you are. It’s a gift, my man.
3) Due to the potentially sensitive nature of WHY she doesn’t like oral sex, you have to approach the subject carefully. I would only press the issue if this is a consistent sex partner who you know well and feel comfortable with. If you are successful and she goes for it, make sure she knows that you want her to guide you through it.
An afterthought: A surprising number of American women have never had an orgasm. At all. I could write a book about that. But the point is that they wouldn’t enjoy oral sex if that were the case because they wouldn’t really know how to make the big finish come into play – it totally takes practice. I’m sure you’ve heard before that women need to be in the right mindset. It’s very true. Because of that, in my opinion, women sort of make themselves cum while the partner supplies the ever important means. I think that if more women looked at it that way, coupled with communication to their partner about how they like it, then orgasm can be achieved much easier.
For the sake of your preferences, I hope that you ultimately end up with partners who really enjoy oral. Why deny yourself?
Dear Dora,
So here's a dumb question that my boss was asking me yesterday b/c one of the guys mentioned it...why would you need ky jelly if you're not a senior or have gone through menopause? I said perhaps the girl gets dry or perhaps they like to do anal?
Am I right?
Dear Right,
You are absolutely right. Anal sex - absolutely every single time - requires lube. Trying to do anal without it is bad news.
Every woman experiences vaginal dryness at some point. I’ve heard that the pill and other hormone altering medicines can cause chronic problems with this. I’m sure certain medical conditions, even some that aren’t related to our plumbing, can contribute as well. I have also found that the duration of the sex is a factor. I highly recommend to every woman that they not deny themselves lube during a long stretch of penetration. If you’ve ever experienced pain or soreness after having sex, it’s likely because the juices weren’t flowing as much as the job required. Also, if a woman’s partner is circumcised, it is especially important to have lube handy. The ridge of the circumcised penis’ head tends to draw moisture out of the vagina during the outward action. I also recommend experimenting with different types of lube – flavors, sensations, etc.
Dear Dora,
After many years of marriage to a wonderful man, I sometimes find myself bored and wanting to branch out. Not with another man, but perhaps with something rubber and vibrating. I've never been within twenty feet of a sex shop and don't even know if they HAVE them within two hours of my conservative home town. So, here's my question: I understand the internet can provide a private girl with access to many a wondrous thing, but where to start?
kthanx!
O Hai Kthanx,
It’s time to google, girl. I found a good article at spiceygear.com about how to choose the right sex toy for you…good luck in your search!! Here is the link: NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
